You get what you ask for

You get what you ask for

It’s almost 3AM. Still I haven’t put my cell phone down. Another night without enough sleep. Typically for me, my motivation and will to do things is at its peak late at night.

I’ve used the last four hours on Instagram, browsing through Finnish artists, producers and photographers, planning how I could work with them. I’ve always been interested in the effect that music has on people’s feelings. Even now I decide to listen to music in the hope of it calming my thoughts.

I browse Spotify for a suiting candidate to sing me a very much needed lullaby. An artist, whose Instagram profile I was looking at earlier, has released a new track that I still haven’t heard. I press play and close my eyes.

A wistful piano start playing. There’s something familiar and safe in the tone. Then the words come in. Every rhyme seems to be pointed towards me and I hold my breath waiting for the chorus. “I know you’re worried where this wind takes me”. I feel like breaking down to tears. The song seemed to understand me and my thoughts in this situation. You can hold a conversation with yourself for ages, but there’s something breathtaking in hearing your own thoughts from someone else.

I need to get outside – now. Accompanied by the music I jump out of the bed and dress myself. I put my jacket on and march out of my room. In the vestibule I remember that I’ve run out of cigarettes. Luckily, there’s a full one in one of the jacket hanging in the stand. “I’ll surely be forgiven. I have to.” And I head to the stairway.

After making my way outside, I light my cigarette and play the song again from the beginning. I look at the familiar backyard while the song leads my thoughts. I feel plaintive, sad and fearful. This has been a familiar scene for a year now, but now I’m not sure when I’ll see it for the next time – if ever.

The weather is nice: cool, rainy and dark. The wind swipes my cheek gently when the chorus kicks in once again. A perfectly bittersweet moment. I’m already thinking of how I’m going to reminisce this moment in the future. This was a moment when the perfect song found me in the perfect moment and made me feel this way.

After looking at the sky for a moment, thinking my coming return home, I snap out of it and realize “You shouldn’t enjoy this feeling”. I’m back in the situation where melancholy and sadness make me feel good. I’ve actively tried to stop this mentality in the past year, because I’ve realized it’s bad for me. And – when you think about it with reason, what’s the use with being intentionally sad?

Yet there’s something beautiful in this bittersweet feeling. It reminds me that there are better times ahead.

I haven’t written a blog post in two weeks. I haven’t been able to work as efficiently as a few months ago. Work doesn’t feel rewarding anymore and I’ve found myself not wanting to get out of bed. I know I have a chance of a lifetime to learn new things and live out in an environment where I’m being supported the most. Even then, I can’t even bother to try.

I’ve given up and I’m going back to Finland, and I’m ashamed of it. I would have wanted to carry on but I can’t continue like this. My story moves on back to Sipoo.

I shed the ashes off my cigarette and throw the cigarette butt into the trash can. I wipe the raindrops off my face and walk back into the stairway. I feel something I haven’t felt in a while. I want to write. I march back inside, close the door carefully and sneak back into my room. It’s almost 4AM but I open my laptop and sit down. For the first time in an hour, the song pauses when I plug my headphones from my phone to my laptop. I open a new text file and start writing.

 

It’s 5AM and my post is ready. The morning and a week full of work is haunting in the back of my head but for the first time in a while I feel – surprisingly – satisfied.

Even though I don’t want to enjoy sadness, right now I think it’s the right way for me to let go of certain feelings. I’ve been so stuck lately that I haven’t been able to think productively.

Before I want to let go of this feeling, I need to sneak outside once more and enjoy it. Because, you never know when the next time is when I’m in Gothenburg at 5AM, listening to sad music and going through these bittersweet feelings.

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